Old Dads

Jack Kelly, referring to his son: "... that same store can sell him food so full of hormones he’ll be able to grow a beard..." (0:01)

Jack’s wife Leah tells Jack and their friend Mike Richards, referring to their friends Cara and Connor Brody’s son Colin, "That kid is a maniac." 
Jack: ”Yeah, he’s a lunatic.” 
Leah: ”I’m not gonna like freak out...” (0:04)

His new boss Aspen Bell tells Jack, "She’s had a lot of success helping people... to restrain their aggressive tendencies." 
Jack: ”You want me to go see a shrink?” (0:11)

Jack, referring to Aspen: "... sociopath hipster douche..." (0:11)

Jack tells Leah, "Oh... with the... therapy." 
”Always with the therapy.” (0:16)

Jack tells the others, "... I, uh, let my emotions get the best of me..." (0:18)

His partner Britney smacks Mike Richards in the face. (0:24)

Jack tells Mike, “You should be proud.”
Connor: ”Your shit’s like Bruce Willis in Unbreakable, bro.” 
Jack: "That’s like some Braveheart level jizz." 
”... How many places do you walk in, and people just freak out...” 
Mike: ”I don’t know; I’m emotional.” (0:24)

Jack tells principal Dr. Lois Schmieckel-Turner, referring to a plant, "... an eternal symbol of peace... to cultivate the kids’, uh, social-emotional..." (0:26)

Connor tells Jack, "Someone went crazy on CarMax." 
Mike: ”Why can’t I be raising the kid and have the car of my dreams?” (0:29)

Jack: "We all get ripped...” 
”Tank tops, T-tops and blow, baby." 
Parent: ”We could have an entirely trans waitstaff.” 
Jack: ”... not turn it into, like, a tranny bar.” 
Mom: ”Tranny?...” 
Parents in unison: ”Trans” 
Jack: ”... Trans, tranny... Trans.” 
Connor: ”I’m confused.” (0:30)

Jack: "... It just gets more depressing every day." 
Aspen: ”Don’t worry... It’s insane, and we’re going to make an insane amount of money...” (0:33)

Travis Romine answers Jack, "... I just think this misogynistic behavior... is... a little cliche." 
MIke: ”... Put N.W.A. Straight Outta Compton.” (0:37)

Jack tells Mike, "I cannot wait to see the look on Aspen’s face, when he congratulates us for landing that... lunatic." 
Travis: ”... So last night Aspen goes to this ayahuasca ceremony, and he gets this, like, crazy vision...” 
”... dude’s a crazy... genius...” 
Jack, on video: ”... Caitlyn has tits and a dick...” 
Aspen: ”... your behavior violated the terms of your morality clause in your contract.” (0:43)

Mike asks Jack, “Are you questioning my competency?”
Jack: "No, I’m questioning your motivation." (0:48)

Jack tells Leah, "I’m emotional..." 
Leah: ”... my son is not gonna get left behind because his father has the self-control of a two-year-old.” (0:49)

Leah tells Jack, referring to Dr. L, "... Don’t worry about her." 
”Listen, you just need to focus, okay?” (0:53)

Jack tells the audience, "Now this is crazy to me... a little bit crazy tonight... I’m gonna get a little crazy here, people." 
”... you got a little too crazy. You got a little too crazy...” 
”I’m gonna ... kill myself...” (0:55)

Jack tells Leah, referring to Dr. L, "That... egomaniac." (1:00)

Jack and Leah rage at each other. (1:03)

The motel owner answers Jack: "I’m vaping." 
Jack: ”Do you think vaping is smoking?” (1:05)

Jack looks at a card: "Karen Weber therapist" (1:08)

Connor, insufflating: "Oh god, I miss coke." 
”Don’t worry about that, Jackie boy...” 
”This might be the coke talkin’...” (1:09)

Connor: "... this coke is not good..." (1:11)

Aspen tells the guys, "... I’m here for sensitivity training." 
Jack: ”Sensitivity training?...” (1:14)

Leah tells Britney and Cara, "... I married an absolute lunatic..." (1:15)

Mike tells a dancer, "I think I had a nervous breakdown earlier..." 
Dancer: ”Well don’t worry, daddy.” (1:17)

Jack tells Mike, "... I’m kind of freaking out." (1:20)

Brawl with head injuries (1:22)

Jack tells the others, "Guys, I’m so hammered." (1:23)

Driver Richie: "... Every blond-headed dipshit with a dream has to come all the way down here..." (1:25)

Jack tells Leah, "... I need to go into therapy..." (1:30)

Mike tells Britney, "... there’s a lot of crazy shit going on in the news..." (1:32)

Cara smacks Connor in the face, "Finally, a little... emotion." (1:33)

Jack: "... That crazy Ed Cameron finally figured himself out... I’ve been in therapy, doin’ the work..." (1:35)