Ted

Television headline, referring to stuffed bear Ted: “FORMER CELEB CAUGHT WITH MUSHROOMS” (0:08)

Theater marquis: “STAR WARS THE PHANTOM MENACE” (0:09)

Ted smokes marijuana in a glass water pipe while branch manager John smokes a joint.
Ted: “It’s not even getting me high. I got to have a talk with my weed guy.”
John: “I don’t know that you want to go to a drug dealer with a complaint.”
Ted: “9/11; I gotta get high.” (0:10)

John tells his boss Thomas, “Top Gun.” (0:13)

John's co-worker Guy tells John, “I got... wasted last night...” (0:13)

Ted smokes a glass pipe. (0:15)

Ted tells John’s girlfriend Lori, “If there’s no -ski at the end of the root word, then we would just be idiots saying nonsense.” (0:17)

John asks Lori, “Is that cannibalism?”
Lori: “No, I think it’s only cannibalism if you swallow.” (0:18)

John and Ted share their fear of thunder. (0:19)

John names a movie for Lori: “Octopussy”
Lori, referring to John’s dancing: “So do people with Parkinson’s.” (0:23)

John tells Lori, referring to the ring tone, “It’s from The Notebook.” (0:26)

Ted tells Lori, while passing a joint to a girl, “The ladies and I were just watching Jack and Jill...” (0:26)

John waves a bag of marijuana at Ted.
Ted: “If I don’t get the job, are we still gonna smoke that pot?” (0:30)

Ted tells John, “Alright, look, let’s just find a better place to get stoned.” (0:33)

By telephone Ted asks John, “Do you want to come over and catch a buzz?:” (0:38)

Ted offers his glass pipe to John: “I told my weed guy to step it up a bit.”
Referring to a batch of pot: “Gorilla Panic”
Ted smokes it. (0:39)

Ted tells Donny, “... and it kills me to have to tell you no, because I’m a people pleaser.” (0:42)

Ted tells the others, “So you can bang it, but you can’t get it drunk.” (0:44)

Lori tells John, “You’re not giving anything a chance if you keep blowing off work to get high with your Teddy bear.”
John: “I’ve been getting stoned too much.” (0:46)

John tells Lori’s boss Rex, “Sometimes you feel like a nut.” (0:49)

Ted asks actor Sam, “Cocaine, right?” (0:54)

Ted tells another partier, “I’m on drugs.” (0:56)

Ted’s neighbor Ming: “You crazy. You crazy, man.” (0:58)

Sam asks John, “You want a Xanax?” (0:59)

Ted tells John, referring to Lori, “She’ll watch Bridget Jones...”
John: “All I do is smoke pot and watch movies...” (1:00)

Lori watches a Bridget Jones Diary movie. (1:02)

John tells the audience, “This is the theme song from the movie Octopussy.” (1:10)

Rex tells Lori, “That was insane.” (1:12)

Ted tells Donny, “Let me out of here, you crazy bastard.” (1:24)

Ted tells Donny’s son Robert, “Back off, Susan Boyle.” (1:25)

Ted tells John, “Jesus, I look like the robot from Aliens.” (1:30)

Lori comforts John after Ted loses his magic. (1:33)

Ted, having recovered, tells John, “I thought it would be funny if you thought I was... retarded.” (1:36)

Narrator, referring to Rex: “Not long afterward, he fell into a deep depression...” (1:40)